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writingbyebonioTitle: Goodbye My Lover
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eboniorchid
Fandom: Supernatural/The 4400 (AU) Crossover
Characters: Sam Winchester/Shawn Farrell (AU)
Prompt: None.
Word Count: ~ 940 words.
Rating: R (for language and adult themes)
Warnings/Spoilers: AU. Angst. Slash. Reference to kink/BDSM. Character Study. Established relationship. Potential for vague spoilers from SPN's "Pilot".
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Really. Nothing.
Summary: Sam says goodbye to a college love and sets out to find Normal.
Author's Notes: This is a bit of backstory from the pseudo-AU "Samdom Universe" that some of my![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
50kinkyways prompts will fit into. So, this will probably make more sense as other parts of the 'verse are posted. You don't actually have to know anything about The 4400. My AU!Shawn was just such a perfect guy for this situation. Title taken from James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover" on his album Back To Bedlam. It is also the theme music for this piece.
"I don't mean to be forward, sir … but I was wondering … if you'd ever consider … umm … collaring me? I'm not saying I'm worthy of that honor right now. I'd never suggest anything like that. I just … I've been thinking about it a lot lately and … and I'd really like to be with you … if you'll have me … in a long-term kind of way … someday."
A declaration like that should have made Sam joyful, but it only soured his mood. Because Sam knew, knew what secrets he'd guarded, knew what futures he'd dreamed. Sam knew.
He knew his answer was "no".
But before he replied, he tried to understand why "no" was the only answer he could give. It was a really serious question. Practically a proposal. And it deserved a thoughtful answer.
He'd been with Shawn for almost half a year and those six months had been amazing. Shawn was sexy, witty, creative, fun, open, and deeply devoted to his dom, Sam. Sam cared for Shawn a great deal, maybe even loved him. But a part of him kept holding back, kept thinking about what he came to Stanford for and whether or not his relationship with Shawn could really fit with Normal.
He just didn't think it could.
Had he severed all ties to his insanely abnormal family only to voluntarily dive into the deep end of societal deviance, via kink and sexuality?
He had always pushed the question to the back of his mind, rationalizing the What It Is We Do of his bond with Shawn as an extended adventure, a fantasy he'd leave when the real world came knocking. But if Shawn was really this serious about formally committing to him in a pseudo-life-partner ceremony or some-such, then Sam needed to break this off now, before the separation became even more painful.
He'd been silent for a while, looking out on the pond by the picnic table they'd snagged for lunch. But when he felt it time to say the words, he shifted on the bench to face the man across the table.
"Shawn … I can't collar you. I care about you, I do … and I respect the depth of this thing between us … but … I don't think we should do this anymore. I know I can't give you what you need … and you deserve to have your needs met."
He could tell it was like a slap to the face for Shawn. His expression and posture both seemed to crumple somehow. He opened his mouth to say something, but Sam just held up his hand to halt the coming stream of I'm-sorry's, what-did-I-do-wrong's, and I-can-be-better's.
"It's not about anything you did or didn't do, Shawn. You've been amazing to be with. I've loved having you in my life. But I … I just can't see myself doing this … being with you, like this … for the rest of my life." It only felt like a half-truth, but there wasn't any other way to say it. "So if you're looking for a more permanent arrangement, I don't want to lead you on about where I see this going, or not going. And I don't want to keep you from finding someone who can give you the kind of commitment I know that you want. … … I'm never going to be that guy."
There was silence, like there were no words left between them. Shawn's jaw was set tight and his eyes were shimmering with tears unshed. He looked down at his hands, opening and closing them, full of hurt and not a small trace of anger.
When he looked back up at Sam, his face was wet, his voice ragged but resigned. "I … love you."
Sam's chest tightened, throat dry, and all he could do was give a nod, an acknowledgment of a truth that wouldn't change the ending of the story.
Shawn just returned the nod, slowly, reluctant but knowing, and looked away, seeing but not seeing the woods beyond the pond.
He left then, satchel swinging over his back, body wrapped in on itself, head bowed, choosing to take the long walk back to campus alone.
Watching Shawn's back retreating into the landscape, Sam felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. So much of his life had felt so right with Shawn in it. They did what worked for them and they shared so much of themselves with each other.
He'd never told Shawn about his past, but he knew Shawn was pretty spiritual, even if they didn't talk about it much. If he hadn't been so worried that even just a mention of his family's work would somehow taint his new life, he probably could have told Shawn. Shawn might have believed him, might have supported and loved him anyway.
No. No maybes. Shawn would have loved him anyway.
But Sam had come to college to find Normal. To dwell in it. To become it. So it didn't matter how right it felt when he stood outside the gates of Normal, hand-in-hand with Shawn. It didn't matter that breaking up with Shawn felt like sawing off his arm with a rusty knife. None of it mattered. None of it.
It couldn't matter. Sam wouldn't let it.
Normal. He was going to find it. It would be good and safe and as near to perfect as anything can be in an imperfect world. He would find Normal. He would love Normal.
And Normal would make him forget, forget all the holes in his heart.
James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover" on Back To Bedlam
Lyrics
Author:
eboniorchidFandom: Supernatural/The 4400 (AU) Crossover
Characters: Sam Winchester/Shawn Farrell (AU)
Prompt: None.
Word Count: ~ 940 words.
Rating: R (for language and adult themes)
Warnings/Spoilers: AU. Angst. Slash. Reference to kink/BDSM. Character Study. Established relationship. Potential for vague spoilers from SPN's "Pilot".
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Really. Nothing.
Summary: Sam says goodbye to a college love and sets out to find Normal.
Author's Notes: This is a bit of backstory from the pseudo-AU "Samdom Universe" that some of my
50kinkyways prompts will fit into. So, this will probably make more sense as other parts of the 'verse are posted. You don't actually have to know anything about The 4400. My AU!Shawn was just such a perfect guy for this situation. Title taken from James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover" on his album Back To Bedlam. It is also the theme music for this piece."I don't mean to be forward, sir … but I was wondering … if you'd ever consider … umm … collaring me? I'm not saying I'm worthy of that honor right now. I'd never suggest anything like that. I just … I've been thinking about it a lot lately and … and I'd really like to be with you … if you'll have me … in a long-term kind of way … someday."
A declaration like that should have made Sam joyful, but it only soured his mood. Because Sam knew, knew what secrets he'd guarded, knew what futures he'd dreamed. Sam knew.
He knew his answer was "no".
But before he replied, he tried to understand why "no" was the only answer he could give. It was a really serious question. Practically a proposal. And it deserved a thoughtful answer.
He'd been with Shawn for almost half a year and those six months had been amazing. Shawn was sexy, witty, creative, fun, open, and deeply devoted to his dom, Sam. Sam cared for Shawn a great deal, maybe even loved him. But a part of him kept holding back, kept thinking about what he came to Stanford for and whether or not his relationship with Shawn could really fit with Normal.
He just didn't think it could.
Had he severed all ties to his insanely abnormal family only to voluntarily dive into the deep end of societal deviance, via kink and sexuality?
He had always pushed the question to the back of his mind, rationalizing the What It Is We Do of his bond with Shawn as an extended adventure, a fantasy he'd leave when the real world came knocking. But if Shawn was really this serious about formally committing to him in a pseudo-life-partner ceremony or some-such, then Sam needed to break this off now, before the separation became even more painful.
He'd been silent for a while, looking out on the pond by the picnic table they'd snagged for lunch. But when he felt it time to say the words, he shifted on the bench to face the man across the table.
"Shawn … I can't collar you. I care about you, I do … and I respect the depth of this thing between us … but … I don't think we should do this anymore. I know I can't give you what you need … and you deserve to have your needs met."
He could tell it was like a slap to the face for Shawn. His expression and posture both seemed to crumple somehow. He opened his mouth to say something, but Sam just held up his hand to halt the coming stream of I'm-sorry's, what-did-I-do-wrong's, and I-can-be-better's.
"It's not about anything you did or didn't do, Shawn. You've been amazing to be with. I've loved having you in my life. But I … I just can't see myself doing this … being with you, like this … for the rest of my life." It only felt like a half-truth, but there wasn't any other way to say it. "So if you're looking for a more permanent arrangement, I don't want to lead you on about where I see this going, or not going. And I don't want to keep you from finding someone who can give you the kind of commitment I know that you want. … … I'm never going to be that guy."
There was silence, like there were no words left between them. Shawn's jaw was set tight and his eyes were shimmering with tears unshed. He looked down at his hands, opening and closing them, full of hurt and not a small trace of anger.
When he looked back up at Sam, his face was wet, his voice ragged but resigned. "I … love you."
Sam's chest tightened, throat dry, and all he could do was give a nod, an acknowledgment of a truth that wouldn't change the ending of the story.
Shawn just returned the nod, slowly, reluctant but knowing, and looked away, seeing but not seeing the woods beyond the pond.
He left then, satchel swinging over his back, body wrapped in on itself, head bowed, choosing to take the long walk back to campus alone.
Watching Shawn's back retreating into the landscape, Sam felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. So much of his life had felt so right with Shawn in it. They did what worked for them and they shared so much of themselves with each other.
He'd never told Shawn about his past, but he knew Shawn was pretty spiritual, even if they didn't talk about it much. If he hadn't been so worried that even just a mention of his family's work would somehow taint his new life, he probably could have told Shawn. Shawn might have believed him, might have supported and loved him anyway.
No. No maybes. Shawn would have loved him anyway.
But Sam had come to college to find Normal. To dwell in it. To become it. So it didn't matter how right it felt when he stood outside the gates of Normal, hand-in-hand with Shawn. It didn't matter that breaking up with Shawn felt like sawing off his arm with a rusty knife. None of it mattered. None of it.
It couldn't matter. Sam wouldn't let it.
Normal. He was going to find it. It would be good and safe and as near to perfect as anything can be in an imperfect world. He would find Normal. He would love Normal.
And Normal would make him forget, forget all the holes in his heart.
James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover" on Back To Bedlam
Lyrics
Tags:
- !fanfic,
- category: slash,
- challenge: 50kinkyways,
- character: sam winchester,
- character: shawn farrell,
- fandom: supernatural,
- fandom: the 4400,
- fic universe: spn samdom,
- genre: angst!fic,
- genre: au!fic,
- genre: character-study!fic,
- genre: crossover!fic,
- genre: established-relationship!fic,
- genre: kink!fic,
- kink: bdsm,
- rating: r
