writingbyebonio | Fanfic - SPN: Nothing Left - Side Three - Fight-Fuck

Fanfic - SPN: Nothing Left - Side Three - Fight-Fuck

Title: Nothing Left [Evil!Sammy Universe]
Author:

eboniorchid
Full Header for the Series

Side Three: Fight-Fuck
[093.Sympathetic]

"In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti." Sam made the sign of the cross in front of the ghostly woman.

"Amen."

"Oremus. Cor Iesu, flagrans amore nostri."

Dean tried not to lose his rhythm as he watched Sam's face twitch, just once. "Inflamma cor nostrum amore tui."

"O divinum Cor Iesu, praesta, quaesumus, animabus purgantibus requiem aeternam, morituris gratiam finalem, peccatoribus veram paenitentiam, paganis fidei lucem, nobis nostrisque omnibus tuam benedictionem. Tibi ergo, Cor Iesu piissimum, omnes has animas commendimus et pro ipsis tibi offerimus omnia merita sacri Cordis tui."

"Amen."

It was a two person ceremony, Sam grudgingly taking the lead, and the air was charged with joy and tears more than violence or anger, something they hadn't felt at the end of a hunt in a long time. It almost seemed less like a banishment and more like a wedding, though it only took a fraction of the time. They were calling for a moment of transformation, asking a higher power to look fondly upon those present and grant them grace and love, but, unlike in a wedding, they were also asking said deity to grant eternal rest. A soul, sinner or not, needed a new home after lingering too long in this place, serenely visiting her relatives and friends every day at dusk like she still lived in the parish house around the corner or just lived at all. Sister Bethany Purdue just couldn't let go without binding her heart to the heart of her god.

"O Sacrum Cor Iesu, Patris voluntati obsequentissimum."

"Inclina ad te corda nostra, ut quae placita sunt ei faciamus semper."

"Domine Iesu Christe, qui dixisti: Petite et accipietis; quaerite et invenietis; pulsate et aperietur vobis; quaesumus, da nobis petentibus divinissimi tui amoris affectum, ut te toto corde, ore et opera diligamus et a tua numquam laude cessemus."

"Amen."

Sam's jaw tightened as he made the sign of the cross again, Sister Purdue already beginning to brighten and fade as her sins were forgiven and scattered like dust. "O sacrum Cor Iesu, salutis nostrae sitientissimum."

"Revoca nos praevaricatores ad Cor, ut non moriamur in peccatis nostris."

Then together: "Amen."

She smiled, tears in her eyes and in those of the family members who were brave enough to gather around her, to stand with their hands entwined just beyond the circle of candles and symbols chalked on the floor. Then she was lifted, transported, and transformed into a star, rising and vanishing into the evening sky.

I claim you for my Father's house.

The sobbing, though partly joyful, meant that they didn't stay long, solemnly and gratefully pocketing a generous donation to the cause. Riding back to the motel, the car didn't feel all that more comfortable, however, somehow overwarm and stifling, so Dean was all too happy to get into the room, crank the vaguely helpful thermostat down and settle in for something celebratory.

"Mmmm." He popped open a beer and sat back on his bed as he started to drink. He breathed deep and closed his eyes for a moment, savoring the alcohol and trying not to remember the way that his brother's face had shifted with distress as the Latin began to affect the nun's spirit, as his words began to free her and send her away.

You remain unforgiven.

Sam sounded like he was busying himself, gathering up their stuff for an early morning departure since something in Montana seemed to need attending to. Dean was reluctant to open his eyes, though, and he held them closed a little longer, draining his beer before feeling out the nightstand and setting the empty bottle down.

He let his eyes slide open, watching his brother's shifting back. "You wanna go back to the bar?"

"No, but … go ahead." Sam seemed satisfied enough with the state of his items for the moment, pulling out his laptop and flipping it open as he dropped onto his bed.

Dean shrugged, not really interested in going to the bar, but not sure that he wanted to do anything else either. His mouth tilted into a pensive position for a few moments, but then he was getting up and heading for the weapons bag. "The guns need oil." He didn't quite know who he was talking to as Sam seemed beyond uncaring, but he said it anyway, carrying the bag over to the table and sliding into the closest seat.

It was a long time before anyone said anything, the sounds of metal and swiping cloth, plastic and tapping fingers, subtly challenging the silence in the room. Dean fell into his usual routine - disassemble, clean, oil, assemble, disassemble, clean, oil, assemble - and a kind of peace came with it, like he could feel Truth with a capital 'T' doing this in a way that he just couldn't when it came to religion. Sam probably felt the same way. It was probably why the ceremony got him a little twisted up, overthinking the presence - or lack thereof - of those heavenly hosts whom their Latin was always calling forth.

Mary, Mother of God, please pray for me.

Dean wiped his forearm above his eyebrows, sweating in the heat of the room, and he groaned at the thermostat, which seemed unable to handle the heat produced by two working men. He put his thoughts on hold, though, when he remembered that it was at max, that it shouldn't be this hot in here. His eyes flicked to his brother, a flush coloring Sam's cheeks as his hands sped angrily over the keys like neither his fingers nor his laptop were in danger of breaking, though it looked like they might be.

"Hey, Sam?" Dean cautiously worked the words into the air.

Sam didn't seem to hear him, but he set his laptop aside and got up from the bed, searching for something.

"Sam! You wanna order some food?" His voice was more forceful this time, cutting through the gathering clouds of Sam's thoughts enough to make his anxious movements halt for a few seconds before starting again.

"Huh? No. Not hungry." Sam continued his search. "I'm going out for a walk. I need some air."

Dean froze, his heartbeat moving from thuds to rolling thunder in his chest. "Why don't we stay in tonight, huh?" It wasn't the same setup for the situation he'd dreamed, but … "Things don't feel quite right."

"I'll be fine, Dean. I just- … I need to clear my head." Sam wasn't looking at him, still caught up in searching for something, maybe his shoes.

Dean was out of his chair and across the room in seconds, his hand on Sam's shoulder making Sam look at him, a little confused and buried in his own thoughts. "Hey! What's going on?"

Sam's sudden smile was hard and patronizing. "Nothing that concerns you."

He tried not to flinch from what felt like a word-based slap. "You're my brother."

"Among other things."

His jaw set as he fought down his need to look away, turn away, from that smug revealing of the truth. "Just talk to me."

"We've already talked, Dean. I've got nothing else to say." Sam shrugged out of Dean's grip, moving around him to grab the shoes half-hidden under the bed, sitting to pull them on.

"Was it the ritual?" Dean slowly turned to watch his brother tie up his shoes, his brow tense because he wasn't entirely sure what he was saying, but it felt like truth.

"Dunno what you mean." Knot. Bow. Double knot. Knot. Bow. Double knot.

Something shifted in his gut. "… You're still immune, right?"

Sam slowly lifted his eyes to Dean's, an angry tightness framing his lips as they moved. "Yeah. My human nature can still protect my demon bits from holy words and it's still good at making the words work for other people."

Not innocent and knowing too much.

Dean felt his eyebrows bunch, sure that he was missing something, that Sam's words weren't quite right, that they stung somehow and maybe not in the way they usually did. The thought kept his mind occupied for a moment as Sam got up and headed for the door. Dean caught him by the shoulder again before he'd gone far, though, turning him around and staring him down, skipping any remaining preamble. "You gotta tell me what's going on in your head, Sam. I can't help if I don't know what's happening."

Sam stepped back with a huff, incredulous. "You can't help even when you do know."

"So … what? You just want me to give up?! Stop trying?!" Suggestions of defeat, of uselessness, made him angry, made him yell, but Sam wasn't budging, and Dean eventually gentled his tone. "Come on, Sam, just … let me help."

The quick slip of eyelids down and up was just a blink, but it was also a shift of Sam from a conversational distance away, nearly aloof, to the intimacy of breeched personal space with a hand gripping Dean's upper arm roughly. "You don't know what you're saying."

The depth of Sam's voice was tainted with annoyance, arrogance, but there was a roughness to it, a desperation just out of reach, and Dean shivered as he looked into his brother's eyes and saw menace there, feeling the stirring of fear that Sam worried over. "… So tell me."

"I need- …" Sam ground his teeth, jawline shifting, but then he was sucking in breath, dropping his gaze, and stepping away again. "I swear, I'll be back in a few hours, okay? Just- … Give me a few hours."

Find and release before you do something wrong and fuck everything up.

Dean shook his head even though his brother couldn't see it and moved towards Sam, all the more convinced that this was running deeper than he could yet understand. "Not without me. If you really need air, we can go out for air, but that's not really it, is it?"

Sam's growl was a peek into his restrained anger. "Why are you doing this?"

"Why are you so stressed?"

"Maybe because you're trying to follow me around like I'm ten."

"Bullshit. Before that."

Sam's mouth shifted slowly from a stern line to a hard sneer, his eyes flicking up to glint dangerously at his brother. "You already know the answer." His head tilted as his voice sing-songed. "Slip-ping, I'm slip-ping." It fit the tones of 'Honey, I'm home' with a wild edge that made Dean's instincts scream, memories and dreams nudging their way to the front of his mind.

Hunt. Use. Destroy.

"Stop that!" He wanted holy water and Sam, but … this was Sam, not a demon they were hunting, and he knew holy water wouldn't help.

"Why? It's what you're thinking isn't it? That being part-Fallen is making me lose my mind? That I'm a psycho and you don't want me out on the streets?"

"No. I just think- …" No lies. Sam would know if he lied. "You just need to relax."

"Too much energy to burn. Hence, me taking a walk." He smiled sweetly and nodded, doing a quick turn to put him back on his way to the door.

Dean jumped to block his path. "I'm not letting you leave this room without me."

Sam's lips twitched, seemingly amused. "Well … I'm certainly not taking you with me, so … unless you want me to hurt you, I suggest you move out of my way." Sam moved forward, but Dean moved with him and Sam's mouth slid back into a hard line. "You really don't want to do this."

"I'll do what I have to."

"You're not worried that I might mess up that pretty face of yours?"

"Hasn't happened yet, so … nope."

One minute Sam was nodding his agreement and the next he was grabbing the front of Dean's shirt and turning them both enough to throw him into the rickety table and chairs six feet to the right of the door. Nothing broke, though, neither the furniture nor Dean, but everything was a mess as he scrambled to get up and Sam yanked the door open, storming into the growing darkness outside.

Still caged. Still playing the game.

Climbing up to chase after him, Dean only narrowly remembered to close the door, worried but kind of glad that Sam seemed to be heading away from populated areas, toward a wooded spot up the road. All the while Sam flexed and tightened his fists, but he didn't take a swing, even as Dean caught up to him, showing no signs of turning back. Dean didn't know what to say, though, and as much as he wanted to know what was going on, it was pretty clear that Sam was only prepared to answer with his fists right then and that wouldn't actually explain much of anything.

A little ways into the forest, Sam turned and threw a right hook that sent Dean stumbling into a tree. "I told you to leave me alone." He continued walking into the woods. "Go back to the room."

"No." Dean shook his head, stretching his jaw as he went after Sam, only a pace or two behind. "Something's going on and you're gonna tell me."

The natural light dimmed further as Sam went deeper into the forest, but Dean followed easily until he found himself grunting, gut and back aching as Sam's foot slammed into his stomach. He went down like a dropped rock, the momentum more than he could handle when he was surprised and surrounded by brush that was just waiting to trip him. Blinking at his brother's receding back with disbelief, he pushed himself up slowly and put one wary foot in front of the other. It seemed harder to follow this time, though, the woods somehow insulating them in a pocket of summer heat.

"I'm just trying to help." His words were softer than he'd meant them to be, but he couldn't help feeling like the dirt underfoot may as well have been eggshells.

"I don't need your help. I need some fucking space!"

Break. Cry. Bruise. Bleed.

He was ready for the next punch when it came, ducking and weaving around to avoid the knee that swiftly jabbed after it. There was a fever rushing in him all of a sudden, though, and his breathing lost its rhythm enough to allow Sam's other fist to connect under his chin, his head snapping back as Sam wasted no time sending him flat on his face with a throw that had rocks and broken branches scraping skin and tearing at clothes.

Sam stood just out of reach, fuming. "Is this what you want, Dean? You want me to hurt you? Is that why you won't go the fuck home?"

Dean quickly climbed back to his feet, trying to talk his brother down as they began circling each other slowly, neither sure who was hunter or hunted. "I want you to talk to me … but first … I want you to calm down."

"The only way that's going to happen is if you get the fuck out of my face, which you used to do just fine, but all of a sudden you seem to need … extra … encouragement."

The last two words hit his ears in time with blows to his face, his shirt snatched up like lightning in one of Sam's fists as the other flew into him. Eye throbbing and jaw aching, he tried to defend himself against Sam's onslaught, but his movements didn't seem fast enough anymore and Sam's hits flared more pain into him than they used to. It didn't help that something seemed to be burning up his air, cooking his insides as he labored to breathe it in. The minutes were painful but seemingly short before he was pinned, eating dirt from the ground with wrenched limbs, a wrecked face, and an ass full of cock that had torture-worthy noises shaking in the back of his throat.

Pleasure and justice and necessity all got a little blurry in the dark.

It was the first time that he thought to ask Sam to really stop, not just slow down or be gentler, because fuck if this didn't hurt more than it felt good. The angle was all wrong and his body was thoroughly bruised if not broken, but he kept his mouth shut, knowing that he'd walked into this and if Sam needed some less-than-pretty stress relief then- … He sucked in an inhale, gritting his teeth, and tried to focus on relaxing enough to get this done with the least amount of damage that would be regrettable for either of them.

"When I'm through with you, I'm gonna tell you to go back to the motel again, and you're gonna follow those instructions to the letter …" Sam yanked his head up by the hair, growling into his ear. "Or this will look like a kindergarten party."

Dropped into the dirt again, Dean shuddered as Sam drove into and out of him. He tried in vain to stay quiet and stay in the present, but his body was unable to pretend that it wasn't being twisted and fucked open and his mind was injuring itself trying to imagine what would make this seem like a children's party. His breathing became ragged but almost relieved as Sam began to fuck him harder, wilder, his curses and moans getting louder. Then when Sam rammed his way in, hard enough to tear a yell from Dean's mouth, Dean knew it was over, his body filthy, wet, and too hot, inside and out.

Tainted.

He was largely prepared to lay face-first in the dirt for a minute, to regroup as Sam relaxed his hold and started to get up, but Sam flipped him over. His bare ass hit the ground, poked and scraped and uncomfortable enough to make him fight even if he'd been okay with Sam continuing - which he wasn't. Sam kneeled over his thighs, though, and leaned forward to slam him back down, a harsh hand squeezed at his neck when he tried to sit up.

"Sam- …"

"No." His words were intense and deliberate. "You're going to come for me, because you're a slut like that, and then you're going to leave me the fuck alone."

Dean couldn't keep the quiver of misplaced desire out of his system as Sam held his eyes and opened his mouth, bending his head to spit directly onto his brother's dick. He wanted to turn away and turn off the wrongly calibrated nerve-endings that were getting his cock semi-hard, but his body's reactions almost seemed fueled by the situation, as if Sam was doing more than just smearing spit down his shaft with a thumb and looking at him like- …. like he was- … Dean shuddered, the pressure of Sam's hand at his throat becoming a dizzying counterpoint to the too-light stroking over his cock as Sam's fingers closed around it, strengthening the sensations. Grunting with want, Dean's eyelids fluttered as his aching hips forgot the discomforts of the forest floor and thrust up until Sam's lip curled in both amusement and disgust, responding to Dean's need by jacking the cock in his control more and more roughly.

Lying stripped, shredded, and wholly under Sam's hands, Sam's body, Sam's will, Dean began to overheat, losing sense of anything but the feel of his pulse banging out against the curved walls of Sam's hands and the burning friction of sliding fingers that he didn't want to stop. A critical mass of pleasure built in the mix in no time, heightened by a thrill that Dean refused to name but feared that he'd want more of. His vision began to blur and his body seemed to shake its way into sauna-mode, screaming for cool air as Sam's hand shifted and sped around his dick, violent fingers choking his gasps and moans at the source. Then there was a roar in his ears, blood vessels broken somewhere, as he became a detonating bomb and his thoughts fled further away with every jerk of his body, eyes blocking out the rain of sweat as he fitfully added streams of fresh spunk to the rest of the filth on his ripped up shirt.

Explode and breathe in your own shattered pieces.

He hefted air in audibly like he was fresh from the water, swallowing and trembling as Sam finally let go of his neck and his dick, rising and stepping away. Part of him wanted to get up immediately, to show himself that he could do it, if for no other reason, but huffing and coughing were only so conducive to physical activity. Gradually, he worked to calm himself and his breath, eating the sounds of his pain as he slowly moved to get up. Pulling his pants back into place with care, he watched his hands instead of looking at the back that his brother had turned towards him. It made him wonder about the card in his pocket, about the woman who said that she really understood, and he told himself that he'd say something on the day that things got really bad, but he knew himself and knew that day would never seem to arrive, even if- … He shook his head and shrugged away the urge to scoff. No sirens were or would be sounding, but that was okay. This was just Sam – a stressed Sam, but still Sam - so he didn't really need them anyway.

When Sam sighed, though, almost laughing, seemingly surprised, Dean straightened up a bit more, cautiously feeling that a cool breeze had finally come to their end of the woods. "You okay?" He licked split lips that tasted like dirt and dried blood, his stomach barely kept from erupting despite what might pass as an off-color afterglow.

"Yeah. I just- … I don't- …" Sam couldn't seem to find the words.

"You don't … remember?" Dean interjected, outlandishly but wishfully thinking that it would explain a lot and allow them to cover and ignore a lot more.

Sam shook his head, still talking in the other direction. "Of course I remember. I just- … I'm really okay now."

Dean paused to run back through the words a few times because they seemed like a big deal to Sam, but he couldn't exactly understand. He just mumbled "good" and looked down again, beginning to brush the dirt off of his clothes and making a face at the size of the come stain on his shirt even though he had to squint to really see it in the dark. When things crunched under shifting shoes that weren't his, he tried not to shiver, but he was afraid to look up as he began to feel unnaturally warm again, something heavy and hot gliding down his back. "… Sam?"

"I guess I don't need firewood tonight after all."

Dean's hands stopped, his mind snapping to images of flames eating their way across an old apartment window, flames reaching out for his yelling brother, flames chasing his father out of their childhood home. Throwing up wasn't an option even if the hand that Sam wrapped around the back of his neck made Dean want to pull away. Those nightmares weren't what Sam meant, though, and they weren't who Sam was, so Dean just gave him a concerned big brother face and refused to flinch as he finally found his brother's eyes. "Why did you need it in the first place?" No more misplaced anger. No more stubborn games.

Sam looked at Dean for a long moment, his face unreadable, but then he backed down, his eyelashes falling, and his voice softened though his grip on Dean didn't. "I don't like to be reminded that I can't be fixed."

Dean breathed evenly, connecting the dots. "You don't need fixing, Sam … and I don't need protecting … so if you're stressed and you need whatever, then … I can handle it … but I need to know what's going on, okay?"

Meeting Dean's eyes in the last light, Sam finally nodded. "Okay."

The word had weight somehow, like they'd shaken hands with bloody palms pressed together, bound. Dean couldn't let things stay heavy like that, though, couldn't breathe when he let this all be serious, intense, when he let it all be real. So he just tugged on his smirk, like his favorite pair of boots, and shrugged, chuckling as he snaked out of his brother's hold and started walking back to the motel. "Besides … you just got lucky tonight. Next time you try to split my ass in half like some fucking coconut, I'm gonna make you scream like girl."

Just behind him on the left, Sam stayed quiet until Dean's laughter had been swallowed up, awkward and swept away on a night wind going nowhere. Then Sam exhaled heat like some sleeping dragon and it curled smoke-like against Dean's ear. "Sure, Dean. … Screaming. … Next time."

They kept walking.

One - Two - Three

Further Author's Notes: The next installment up will likely be “Walking Nightmares,” the last in the Walking Series from the “After the Day of Fire” section of the ‘verse, but my muse runs me, so *shrugs*. Also, FYI, the translation for the Latin ritual is whited out below (so as not muddle your afterglow with worries of blasphemy). If you're curious, though, you should probably assume that Sam, at least, has some sense of the ritual's meaning. It is a modified version of the "Novena ad Sacrum Cor" or "Novena to the Sacred Heart," which is available in full over here. Highlight the space below to see the translation:

"In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti."
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

"Amen."
Amen.

"Oremus. Cor Iesu, flagrans amore nostri."
Let us pray. Heart of Jesus, burning with love for us.

"Inflamma cor nostrum amore tui."
Set our hearts on fire with love of You.

"O divinum Cor Iesu, praesta, quaesumus, animabus purgantibus requiem aeternam, morituris gratiam finalem, peccatoribus veram paenitentiam, paganis fidei lucem, nobis nostrisque omnibus tuam benedictionem. Tibi ergo, Cor Iesu piissimum, omnes has animas commendimus et pro ipsis tibi offerimus omnia merita sacri Cordis tui."
O Lord Jesus Christ, who have said: Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you; mercifully attend to our supplications, and grant us the gift of Your divine charity, that we may ever love You with our whole heart and with all our words and deeds, and may never cease from praising You.

"Amen."
Amen.

"O Sacrum Cor Iesu, Patris voluntati obsequentissimum."
O Sacred Heart of Jesus, most obedient to the will of the Father.

"Inclina ad te corda nostra, ut quae placita sunt ei faciamus semper."
Incline our hearts to You, that we may do always what is pleasing to You.

"Domine Iesu Christe, qui dixisti: Petite et accipietis; quaerite et invenietis; pulsate et aperietur vobis; quaesumus, da nobis petentibus divinissimi tui amoris affectum, ut te toto corde, ore et opera diligamus et a tua numquam laude cessemus."
O divine Heart of Jesus, grant, we pray You, eternal rest to the souls in purgatory, final grace to those who are about to die, true repentance to sinners, the light of faith to non-Christians, and Your blessing to us and all who are dear to us. To You, therefore, we commend all these souls, and in their behalf we offer unto You all the merits of Your Sacred Heart.

"Amen."
Amen.

"O sacrum Cor Iesu, salutis nostrae sitientissimum."
O Sacred Heart of Jesus, thirsting for our salvation.

"Revoca nos praevaricatores ad Cor, ut non moriamur in peccatis nostris."
Recall us sinners to Your Heart, that we may not die in our sins.

"Amen."
Amen.

The End. ;-)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ooooh. New ESU, and just as hot and disturbing as all the others.

I find myself wild with curiosity as to the initial dream sequence- was there a definitive hint I missed, or was it really unresolved? And Dean's reactions- to the woman at the restaurant, and his reactions at the end of the second section especially- incredible. Conveying so much even while Dean won't explicitly think or admit things.

Thank you! Dean is a really fascinating character to put in a situation like this, so I'm glad his reactions are working for you.

As for the dream, it was written to be somewhat ambiguous, but from your phrasing of the question I'm not sure what you're curious about/wanting to know the resolution of spefically. Just let me know and I'll see what I can say from this text.

This was so well written. I find myself incredibly frustrated with Dean in this series -- really wanting him to fight back, to demand more from Sam, and to walk away from it all. Yet at the same time, you also make me understand why he's so willing to willfully ignore what's going on, and to try as much as possible to close his eyes to what must be painfully obvious to him. A very good depiction of an extremely abusive relationship, in short. Well done.

Thank you very much! I can definetely understand your frustration, but I'm glad you can see the complexity of the situation and why Dean might rationalize what's going on.

You updated! *dances*

I loved this. You can see Sam getting darker and at the end you can see the lead in for all the pain to come. I cant wait for more :D

Thank you. So glad you enjoyed the darkness here and all its implications.

YAY! New Evil!Sammy. Great story! I really enjoyed it.

Yay! Glad you liked it! :)

Wow, this one actually seemed to provide a lot of insight into Sam. Awesome stuff, can't wait until the next update.

Yep, Sam-insights abound here and you're gonna need them for future installments. *winkwink* Thanks for reading and commenting!

You really do write so well. And these "before the Day of Fire" installments are letting us see how the Dean and Sam we were first introduced to in "The Heat Outside Would Never Warm Him" came to be.

I particularly recall, in one story, Dean thinking about how, after Sam had returned to him and was so changed, so angry and generally messed-up, that he had allowed Sam to treat him pretty roughly--to hurt him even--during sex. And that Dean had thought it was worth it to help Sam maintain some sort of equilibrium, some sort of connection to his brother, so he wouldn’t leave. This story (as well as “Plain Gold Band”) perfectly illustrates that, and how Dean suffers for it, not just physically, but emotionally. I was struck, here, by this phrase:

Slowly, an ache began to spread from his chest outward as he stood not far from where he'd entered the room, but he willed anesthesia to materialize in his system and make him numb enough to move again....

That demonstrates, very clearly, the emotional toll that this is all taking on Dean. And to know that his sacrifice is doomed to fail in the end, makes me sad. To realize that Dean can’t save Sam, and that Sam will turn him into his own personal sex slave whom he subjects to degradation and even torture--despite our knowing that there’s still some little bit of Sam that cares for his brother--is hard. Even though I absolutely love this ‘verse, I have to admit to feeling a little conflicted.

Thank you so much for all the encouraging feedback! Your conflicted feelings are perfectly understandable, because you have sight that Dean doesn't and it's bound to ache a little. I have to say, though, that the notion of "saving" Sam may not be wholly lost, though the question of how makes it difficult to grasp, not to mention the question of what "saving" would really mean after everything. Remember, there's a long way to go yet in the after section. :)

Yes, that "after everything" is an important point. Still it's good to know that at the end of this long and winding path, you see some kind of salvation/redemption for Sam and Dean.

Woah, yay, more evil!Sammy :D Loved, loved, loooooved! The ache... woah, amazing.

Thank you! It's good to hear that the ache came through and I'm always glad to give you your Evil!Sam fix! ;)

Your writing is really wonderful. I am fairly new to the fandom, so I just found this. After seeing this post, I went to your main post and read THE WHOLE THING!!!

It is a great story, with plot and and everything else! ;}

Every different section falls into place so well. Really masterfully crafted. Can't wait for more, but I certainly understand the constraints of real life.

Thanks for sharing your hard work.

Awesome! Welcome to fandom! I love getting new readers and I'm so glad that you're enjoying the 'verse. It's definetely a labor of love, but it's always great to hear when readers think it's quality work and want to come back for more. Thanks so much for reading and for offering encouragement!

Damn it Dean - you stupid, forgiving, delusional, devoted, stubborn, self sacrificing, martyr to family.

You love him, I know that, but don't you realise what just happened?

You're beloved little Sammy has just discovered that hurting you, causing you pain, calms him down ... how the hell can you ignore that?

Dear Reader (from the desk of Dean's Subconscious ~~with notes~~),

Not that I have to explain myself to you or that chick in the diner or anybody else ~~including me~~, but … I'm not ignoring anything. I just don't think these things mean what you think they mean ~~because I really don't want to think about that~~. This is not about Sam going darkside. ~~It can't be.~~ This is about me being supportive because ~~I don't know what the fuck else to do~~ that's what Sam needs right now and if I'm not behind him 100% then I should've just told him to go ahead and leave when things started to fall apart back in California ~~and I don't want to lose him again~~.

Sam has a lot on his plate right now and sometimes he needs to ~~use and bruise me~~ do something physical to get his mind off of things, but that's a human instinct ~~as opposed to that thing we're not talking about~~ and I'm not going to deny him that ~~- I'm not even sure if I'd always want to~~. Yeah, sometimes that means I walk into his fist, but … ~~he makes it worth the pain sometimes~~ I can handle it and it's not like I don't heal ~~on the outside … mostly~~. Violence =/= evil ~~unless we're both falling together~~.

How many times have I thrown punches in the heat of the moment? Some of which ended up hitting Sam? Now, maybe it's a guy thing, maybe not, I dunno, but … sometimes you just don't want to talk or you can't, sometimes you just want to hit something or throw something or … ~~set things on fire~~ do whatever it is that works for you. Sure, it isn't Sam's usual style, but he's … ~~slipping~~ stressed … and if he needs to hit something, I'd rather it be me than- … ~~No, the dream wasn't and won't be real.~~ I mean, he's ~~all I've got~~ my brother and that's enough for me. ~~It has to be. … Even when it hurts.~~

~Dean's Subconscious

Dear Dean's Subconscious,

I can't see where you're coming from. You're very understanding of your brother's issues, and want so much for him. He is everything to you - I get that. And he's always been your first priority.

I ~~pity you~~ understand.

I'm just grateful that you don't have any psychic skills of your own because if you could see the ~~fucked up, torture your brother will put you through~~ future you may not be so quick to ~~ignore the truth~~ make excuses for him.

I wish you all the best.

And - a word of comfort, maybe it'll make you feel better ~~though it should actually scare you shitless~~ - no matter what happens, Sammy will keep you around.

~ A concerned reader who only has your best interests at heart.

*cough*

And thank you for reading and for commenting, as usual, it is lovely to see you! ;-)

How could I not read? How could I not comment?

*g*

Wow. Another amazing installment of this series. It's strange, but this was harder, more painful, to read than the stories that take place after the Day of Fire. Maybe it's seeing how Dean acquiesces to the abusive dynamic, rationalises it, makes himself complicit in it - at least, in his own estimation - so that he doesn't have to face the reality of his own victim status. It's incredibly astute and compelling because, although this story is based in a supernatural premise, it's what happens in reality all the time.

This series is just so richly textured with complex emotions, within a narrative structure that unfurls exquisitely and tortuously, that it's captured my imagination. I think about it even between postings, and I can't wait for more. (Although, of course, I will.)

Thank you! I can definitely understand how this might be more difficult, because the harm is so much less explicit in its reasoning, which means that Dean invents reasons, makes it okay, even if it isn't. Your words of review here just make me warm all the way to the core because I really do want the realism to come through despite the supernatural world that they live in. I'm so glad that you're enjoying the 'verse, both in content and in style, and I hope that you continue to enjoy it as I continue to work on it. :)

Being away from the net as I am at the moment I only now had the time to finally read this new installment.

At it was absolutely excellent. Just SOOO disturbing that I want to cry right now or go run few miles. (It’s raining outside and like one o’clock in the night so I guess I’ll just have to deal with some heavily disturbed nightmares from this story. ;))

I love you’re writing style and the way it gets me caught enough to just keep on reading until I’m finished. I really did meant to only read a little of the first chapter before going to sleep but…. You know I sorta ended up reading the whole thing instead.

I dunno what to say about „Nothing left” except that I really like the little peeks you let us sometimes have of Evil!Sammy’s fucked up mind and consciousness. That’s pure love there. *I’m fucked up myself, I know, I know :D*

And Dean…ysbail said it very well. He really is a stupid, forgiving, delusional, devoted, stubborn, self sacrificing, martyr to his family. :) Thanks for putting it to words hon. And also he is the best brother and friend anyone could ever ask for – he’s just a bit too devoted to Sam to save his own ass when things come down bad.

Mayor quote love to:

“"I hate you. I hate you. I don't care- … I don't care how you got this way. You deserve everything. You deserve everything."”

“"Vindico te Infernum Aeternus. I claim you for the house of my father and his father before him." You remain unforgiven.”

Ohh…So excellent. I was personally just torn when Sam brought his justice upon this kid. Should I feel sorry for him or should I just agree that he deserved everything Sam did to him for the lives he had ruined?

“No sirens were or would be sounding, but that was okay. This was just Sam – a stressed Sam, but still Sam - so he didn't really need them anyway.”

And it only takes Dean a few more chapters to completely revision that thought.

“Sam looked at Dean for a long moment, his face unreadable, but then he backed down, his eyelashes falling, and his voice softened though his grip on Dean didn't. "I don't like to be reminded that I can't be fixed."”

Does anyone have a cookie for the pore evil!sammy in suffering?

“Pleasure and justice and necessity all got a little blurry in the dark.”

The woman at the diner was also a nice touch. You know – with whole Castiel theme in season four and all. :) Makes you suspect winged fellows all around… Makes you paranoid about that guy “God” and his “plans”… ;)

PS! It took me only the next two parts to start to question if Dean really did tap into Sam’s subconsciousness somehow. Which means he should probably be able to do it aging in his slave-boy future. Now that is an interesting thought.

PS2! No soundtrack for this one? *weep*
I just went with Muse's "Starlight" then:

"Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

And I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
I just wanted to hold..."

Thank you so much for your amazing feedback! I grin every time I see it. This was definetely a disturbing installment and I'm glad you felt that. The fact that it can be dark and still make you want to keep turning the page makes me a very happy author. Sam and Dean's relationship is so twisted up because they're both individually twisted up and vice versa, rutting them into a dark cyclone that' spinning and drilling ever downwards. (Just like I like it!)

So many of your fave quotes are mine too! As for the kid in part one, though, I'm glad you felt torn, because I wanted there to be some tension, some insecurity about whether the dreamguy that Dean thinks is Sam is even actually evil or just meting out vigilante justice colored darkly. What does it mean (if anything) if his brand of "evil" is different than what we're expecting?

The woman in the diner is an interesting conundrum and I hope readers enjoy whatever mysteries await with regard to her (and the other minor characters, of course).

P.S. Dean accessing Sam's consciousness in dreams, you say? How interesting. That kind of thought could destabilize interpretaions of a number of the dreams in this universe. Of course, if Dean isn't accessing Sam's consciousness, then what could be happening in part one here? ;-)

P.P.S. You like my soundtracks?!?! That's so good to know! I've recently had conversations with several people who don't even look at the soundtrack and they cjouldn't understand why it felt important to my writing or sharing process. It's good to get another opinion, because I feel almost like I'm writing out what I see of this Evil!Sam movie and it feels a little naked without music sometimes. Thanks for sharing your music suggestion for this piece. Very cool.

~D

About Dean’s dream – my mind is a real mess and you Miss E. are doing nothing to help it! :) (Not that I mind – I like it just the way it is…) I have all sorts of weird ass theories now cause of your comment. But I think one of my personal favorites so far is the one saying we had a good old glimpse at Dean’s dark side. (Yeah, yeah – you can argue about its existence with someone else – I KNOW the damn thing is there and just waiting for its chance…) And I also started to wonder at some point if it really even was Sam that we were following around and then I started to wonder if it all took place in the past or in the future and then I ofc thought some more and came to wonder if Dean really was just dreaming or was he having a F’n vision? So you can see how my brain got sorta fried… Err…What addiction? I’m fine. I’m so not wasting good part of my time wondering about fanfiction. Absolutely not. ;)

PS! :O I can’t believe your soundtrack goes unnoticed!!! I absolutely love it and agree that this verse is much like a movie and therefore naturally needs a soundtrack. And I always love the songs you pick – like I’ve been a fan of the Disturbed for years and I know very few ppl who actually like this band – most seem to write them off as just another nu-metal band without even listening to the lyrics. So when I saw you using them a lot here I was just damn amazed and happy. I’ve also found some great new stuff from the songs you’ve chosen and also met some old favorites (FEX: Unloco “Bruises” – damn wonderful piece of metal art if you ask me :P). Not to mention I think I still can’t listen to Disturbed’s “Stricken” without bursting out crying. (Eager was just a damn great chapter and I had my own personal issues also to solve at the time I read it and listened to this song so yeah…*cough* Not that it makes me any less evil!. At least I’m not shedding my tears to some girlie stuff. *growls*)
So please keep up with soundtracks! :)

That Dean's a worry. How he can be so seemingly blind to what's happening to Sam, the way he just keeps going back for more. He's in for a world of pain and is just so blindingly ignorant of it.
Sam scares me, especially the way he takes from Dean and the way he speaks to him.
Painful.

Edited 2008-10-09 23:17 (UTC)

Yeah. Dean's so focused on being a good everything for Sam that he's making excuses for his brother constantly now. Sam is an interesting character here. I can see how he would scare you, but there are clearly a lot of internal conflicts in him as well.

Thanks for commenting!

This is certainly an interesting installment. I hadn't quite expected Sam to be so far gone pre-Day of Fire, but it helps make sense of why Dean goes under so fast - the Master/slave relationship is pretty much happening here, it just isn't formalised. I loved the tantalising glimpse into Sam's head of the first part, how twisted up things are with his powers and what the demon part of him needs, how he plays out his rage and regret over what was done to him onto the boy's body the way he'll later copy it with Dean. I'm almost inclined to find it slightly hopeful that fucking Dean, hurting Dean, is what calms Sam down at the end (... for an ESU measure of hopeful, anyway *g*) - perhaps it's a sign of Sammy still being in there somewhere, that Evil!Sam would choose to keep Dean around knowing that Dean can pull him away from his Fallen instincts, back to some semblance of normal.

I also liked seeing (who I take to be) Mel, interacting with Dean and showing her willingness to support Dean alone as well as Sam, although her giving her contact details to Dean combined with Sam's disturbing thoughts in the first part about what he does to people who run away from him seems ominous.

I think some readers were expecting things to be more normal with the boys before the Day of Fire, but even post-DoF Dean acknowledges that things had been sour under his nose for a long time before the DoF. I'm glad you made note of Sam's reaction to using Dean, though, because that could, as you said, be a significant point later, perhaps. ;-)

As for the woman in the diner *g*, I'm very intrigued bhy the way you connected that moment to possibly!Sam's thoughts about people who run away. I look forward to more of your thoughts as I continue to post the 'verse. :-)

I love how faithful and brave Dean was being in trying to stop and help Sam. It's Dean's strength that makes him accept even such a brutal treatment. He thinks that he can handle it...handle everything...as long as it's Sam. There is no acceptable option in his mind about turning away from Sam because Sam is his brother (and more) and he loves Sam.

The heat is really interesting. Seems to be coming from Sam when Sam is agitated. Maybe Sam learns to control it eventually because in the later chapters, he uses it very skillfully on Dean.

I can't wait to see more of the woman in the diner. She seems so strong and confident.

""You don't need fixing, Sam … and I don't need protecting … so if you're stressed and you need whatever, then … I can handle it … but I need to know what's going on, okay?"

Meeting Dean's eyes in the last light, Sam finally nodded. "Okay.""

Dean kind of offering to help Sam in this way and Sam accepting Dean's offer. I think that's exactly what Dean would do. He has too; he's a good brother; and he's been trained to protect Sam by his father; and he loves Sam.

Great addition to ESU! Now I can't wait for the next installment!

I really like this series, love Evil Sam, (and this one is particularly evil) poor Dean, can't wait for more x

Thank you! It's such a fascinating ride for me to write in this series! :)

So this seems like the first time Sam really physically forced Dean (though it's pretty much been rape all along because of the meotional blackmail...).

I think Dean met Mel at the diner...I wonder if she really would have helped him? Sam calls her his friend. She's obviously on his side(of the war), but maybe she is sort of like Sam in that she really has no choice? She could be another fallen child, or something else...

That last line...Sam is probably really imagining screaming, but it's not him...chilling.

Reading through the comments made me realize-the guy in part one might not be Sam?! Hmmm. Then was it some ploy by Sam(or someone else) to let Dean see that vision (thinking it was Sam?) to push him stop Sam/ or to bother Sam until he gave in to using his darker urges on Dean? (Where he discovers him causeing Dean pain=calm) Does this mean if it wasn't Sam then he really hasn't been killing people by fire, but instead has really been setting trees on fire? I know when they were on that suicide case there was a forest fire (after Sam left, mad that Dean slept with another man) and then the pianist's house burnt down (with the boy in it?). I think Sam caused those fires. Though he did have a freal out when he got back to Dean about the boy having supposed to have not been in the house, but then he calmed himself down-so I don't know if he was actually trying to kill that boy or not...

You're right, it is basically the first time that Sam fully forced Dean. As for how Mel might've helped, that's not clear, but she did seem to genuinely want to be helpful at least, which could be something.

The dream sequence has given people a lot of trouble it seems, because it is ambiguous but also invites certain interpretations more than others. I enjoy reading everyone's speculation, truly, though I think some folks think that I am even more devious and complex than I actually am. The reality, though, is that since it was Dean's dream, it's true meaning or origins may or may not ever really be known. I hope that over time, though, that as more pieces of the world are revealed that readers will be able to go back and parse out more of what's happening in the earlier sections, like this, when everyone, including both the readers and Dean, were largely in the dark. Likewise with the question about the fires, because Sam may not be as evil as some folks think he is this early on, even if he seems to be very aggressive with Dean, and you're right, he does freak out about the house fire, so obviously there's more ot the story than any of the easy answers in reach, right?

Thsnks for leaving such awesome feedback and sharing your thought process with me! It's a lot of fun! ;-)

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